(Alternative title: Am I cool or do I just have trauma?)

Most would say that it’s a desirable trait to be easy-going. Nobody wants the word “needy” attached to their brand; easy-going is “cool”. Easy-going means that you’re down to try something new, you don’t get too attached to any particular plans, you don’t get upset easily. Basically, being easy-going means that you have very few needs.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having needs! We all have them. It’s undeniable that some people have more needs than others. These needs might be physical, emotional, intellectual, or otherwise. 

Having needs does not make you “needy”. Typically, what makes people seem “needy” are ways that we passive aggressively state our needs, as opposed to vocalizing them outright. For example: “Please stop by the store and grab me some medicine” versus “I said I was sick—you should have thought to ask me if I needed anything”. The first person is taking care of their own needs by asking for help when they need it. The second person does not choose to directly state their needs, but rather waits until the need has already gone unmet before expressing their displeasure. They had an expectation that they did not express, and they were disappointed when that expectation was not fulfilled. Typically, people are happy to help with the request of the first person, and feel frustrated and upset by the response of the second person. The second person is likely to come off as “needy”, even though their need was completely reasonable and normal.

Many people fear the negative connotation that comes with being “needy”. Others failed to get their needs met by their families, so they learned they shouldn’t have needs. Others might have been praised at a young age for how easy they were to deal with. Many factors go into making someone a people-pleaser, but they all result in a person who repeatedly puts their own needs on the back-burner in order to meet some else’s. A portion of their self-worth might even revolve around their ability to stifle their own needs in order to take care of someone else’s. 

People-pleasing often goes hand in hand with: anxiety, depression, burn-out, insecure attachment styles, eating disorders, trauma, sexual assault… the list could go on. The problem is that people-pleasing rarely means pleasing ourselves.

So how do you know if you’re naturally a lucky human with few needs, or if you have some people-pleasing tendencies? On their own, no one particular item on this list means that you are people-pleaser. However, if you find yourself identifying with the majority of them, you might lean toward people-pleasing—and that’s okay! It is not who you are; it is a coping mechanism that helps many of us survive in this world. You can learn to let it go if you want to. Therapy helps.

1. You feel anxious about social interactions, burnt-out with your friends, neglected, lonely.

2. You worry about your friends/bosses/partner(s) liking you. 

3. You go out of your way to do things for other people because you’re trying to win their friendship or make sure they’re not angry with you. 

4. You feel the need to return phone calls and text messages right away, or to always answer your phone.

5. You find it difficult to clearly say what you need (asking for help).

6. You have trouble saying “no”.

7. You struggle to set boundaries in relationships, or you say you don’t need them.

If any of this sounds like you, just know that you are allowed to put yourself first. You deserve to be taken care of in the way that you take care of others, and the only person who can care for you that way is yourself. It takes practice, but over time you can build healthy boundaries. This benefits your friendships and relationships in the long run, as you don’t build resentment and frustration. Therapy can help.

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